Self-doubt: Am I good enough

Today is a day I never imagined happening - doubting to the point of being paralyzed. 

Like any human being, self-doubt and insecurities show its ugly head to me every now and then. , these two - self-doubt and insecurity are something I just shake. Sometimes, I continue to move forward confidently. Sometimes, I move forward with some doubt. There are times that I move forward even if I am full of doubts and insecurities. The point here is, I move forward. There's no way for me to go but forward once I've set my eyes on the goal. In my mind, I will manage somehow. I will as I usually do. 

Today is different. I am writing a paper on the vulnerabilities of women in the informal sector, especially that of women in microenterprises I've been writing this for 2 days straight and I am hitting a wall. Maybe because I am part of the people I am writing about so my internal monologue is confused. Am I the subject or am I the writer? This morning, questions of self-doubt started. Am I good enough? Do I have the right to listen to women and their issues and plight? Do I even have the qualification to write about them?

 I am stuck. I've been looking at my laptop for hours. Barely typing a sentence; it's been 10 hours already. 

I reached out to my "elderlies" already - the PhD students in my university, to ask if this is normal. They say it is. They gave some words of wisdom already. What struck me most is this - I don't actually need to be an expert. To claim to be an expert in our research field actually goes against the essence of research. 

I just need to have one thing - intention to listen. That should be more than enough. I could never agree more. 

Writing and researching for me has one purpose - amplify the voices of those who were not heard. I don't need to be an expert. They are the expert. I am just their mouthpiece. I just need to remind myself of my purpose. 

I am still reeling from the doubts and I am typing more sentences now. I am writing these thoughts in Kamila blog because I just want to emphasize how important it is to go back to your core, to your purpose. It will save you when you are lost. It saved me. 



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